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匆忙

通过 玛丽·霍伊

我们停在干洗店和杂货店   

还有加油站和绿色市场   

快点，亲爱的，快点，   

当她沿着我身后的两三步走时   

她的蓝夹克解压缩，袜子滚下来。   

我要她去哪里？她的坟墓？   

要我的？有一天她会站在那里成长？   

今天，当所有事情都完成后，我对她说：   

亲爱的，我’对不起，我一直说快点   

你走在我前面。你当妈妈   

And, 赶快， she says, over her shoulder, looking   

回到我，笑。她说，快点亲爱的，   

快点，快点，从我手中拿走房门钥匙。

诗的版权©2008，作者：玛丽·豪（Marie Howe），并转载自“When She Named Fire,”编者，安德里亚·霍兰德·布迪（Andrea Hollander Budy），秋天之家出版社，2009年。“普通王国”W.W.玛丽·豪（Marie Howe）诺顿，2008年。

当作者玛丽·豪（Marie Howe）在NPR上大声朗读时，我第一次听到这首诗’s 关于存在 在 //onbeing.org/programs/marie-howe-the-poetry-of-ordinary-time/.

[我不’不知道为什么这个链接是’没有用，但是如果您进行搜索“Marie Howe 关于存在,”访谈的整个笔录弹出。]

I can relate to the mother in this poem so well; my guess is 那 most mothers can. We spend our lives running (quite literally) from one task, job, chore, errand, children’s activity, meeting, class, rehearsal, party, event… to the next. What often happens is 那 one 要么 more of your children get dragged with you as you decisively mark off each item on your “to-do”清单。您在一整天都处于训练中士模式，说：“Come on honey, we’我得走了……三月，三月，三月！”当然，所有这些敦促都没有使孩子们动起来。不论年龄，要求孩子“Hurry!”就像南方人所说的那样，就像要求不要倒牛奶一样，这是徒劳的。

我正在减慢生活，这不是我的选择，而是癌症’的选择。癌症已成为我的“parent” in a way, dictating what my next few months are going to be, overturning my schedule-encompassed, productive days. The surprise has been 那 Cancer 确实n’t say “Hurry up,” as the 父母 确实 in the poem above. Cancer steps in, fairly suddenly, always quietly, 和 says, “打扰一下，但是我有一些事情需要您考虑。我有奇迹要告诉你。我有故事要讲。我有耳语的秘密，有经验的愿景。坐下。放松休息。等着瞧。”

就我而言，这是完全提交的行为。从手术中恢复时，您的身体没有选择的余地。您 必须 休息，放开你忙碌的生活。您 必须 lie down in your bed 要么 on your couch. Your job, laundry, vacuuming, the grocery store, errands, exercising, cooking dinner…all the things 那 grasp you until you feel you might be pulled apart, limb from limb, all fall away.

I have made the surprising discovery 那 the earth 确实 indeed keep revolving, even if I have to stop 和 rest in the day. To be honest, it has been a relief. It has been an excuse to re-learn how to relish the 要么dinary things in my life 那 I’d 对于gotten were there. This summer, I will be receiving six weeks of radiation treatments five times a week. That means 那, every day, I will have to pause 和 do nothing 对于 在 least fifteen minutes while the treatment is happening. I need to determine what I will think about during those minutes, because time to be still—with purpose—is a precious commodity not to be wasted.

因此，我没有为孩子们安排大量的夏季活动，而是’m going to find things we can do 那 are close to home. Even though they are teenagers, I want to proactively be near my 孩子们. We are going to go on more picnics in our backyard. We are going to watch more movies on Netflix. We are going to pick our favorite board games 和 have a marathon. I am not going to worry if the 孩子们 和 I have been productive 要么 not; but we will, I am certain, “produce”价值不一定要权衡或说明的事物。我期待着它。

终于到了-我的乳房切除手术的一天。它’如果你有一种奇怪的感觉’我曾经面对过这个。它’强烈的恐惧和令人不快的期望混合在一起。悬念将过去；不再想知道“tortures” 那 will be inflicted upon you on 那 day.

当丈夫帮助我穿上医院的袍子时，我感到很坚强并且准备就绪。他离开我带孩子去上学，向我保证他 ’d be back. I sat twiddling my thumbs, looking around the cubicle 那 had been assigned to me 对于 the day. I checked my e-mail. I adjusted my super-sexy hospital socks. I sent my sister a funny text. I tried not to be irritated 通过 the inevitable waiting. And waiting. And waiting. I sighed 和 changed positions in the bed 和 decided to sit in a chair instead. Maybe if I read a book, the speed of time would transform from 那 of a glacier to a kangaroo.

作为一部分“You can do it”好东西，我的姐妹们给了我马克斯·卢卡多（Max Lucado）的一本书，书名是“God Came Near”（W出版集团，2004年）。我没有’还没有真正开始，所以我把它弄出来了。当护士在我的小卧室里忙碌时，我什至没有读过第一句话。“Hello there, I’m琳达（抱歉抱歉）’已经是一个疯狂的早晨，’s not even 8:00!”然后，她在我腿上看了看那本书。“Are you a Christian?”她立即​​问。我说过她说，“Well then, 神 sent me here today to take care of you. You know 那, don’t you?”我一时无语。这使我完全措手不及。我没有’我没有意识到自己有多害怕，我感到眼泪使我的眼睛模糊，嘴唇颤抖。

琳达走过来，坐在我旁边的另一把椅子上，握住我的手。“你知道他今天和你在一起。他’s万物的作者。” I nodded, still not able to speak yet. She proceeded to share with me how she had received a difficult diagnosis 和 how 神 had walked with her through it, healing her body 和 spirit. “我对自己了解很多。您能否与我分享您在此过程中对自己的了解？”

我吞了“I’我学会了耐心...或者无论如何都要保持耐心。我需要学会放慢脚步，停止尝试像疯子一样控制生活中的一切。我需要多听他的话。”我耸了耸肩。

琳达笑了，抹去了自己的一些同情的眼泪。“I promise I’今天让您度过难关。一世’跟你说话，握住你的手，无论你需要我做什么。一见到您，我便知道今天可以为您提供帮助。我现在可以和你一起祈祷吗？”

我深吸了一口气，无语地点了点头。我不’t remember any of her words; all I know is 那 I felt calm 和 cared 对于.

Later on, I marveled 在 how I got the reassurance I needed 在 exactly the right time. I appreciated 那 Linda was able to reach out to me, seeing 那 I was distressed, even though I didn’t even know it myself. I was humbled 通过 her ability to unabashedly share an intimate story with me, to ask me questions about my own personal story, 和 to pray 对于 和 with me. Later on in the evening when I had returned home from surgery, I read a phrase in the Lucado book 那 resonated deep within me:

“My prayer 对于 this book—without apologies—is 那 the Divine Surgeon will use it as a delicate surgical tool to restore sight. That blurriness will be focused 和 darkness dispersed. That the Christ will emerge from a wavy figure walking out of a desert mirage to become the touchable face of a best friend. That we will lay our faces 在 the pierced feet 和 join Thomas in proclaiming, “My Lord 和 my 神.” And, most supremely, 那 we will whisper the secret of the universe, ‘我们是他ma下的目击者。””（引言，第XX页）。

Sometimes, 神’在迫切需要的时候，威严就像一个陌生人的关心和祈祷一样简单。